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Earlier this week we covered Richard E. Grant’s new memoir A Pocketful of Happiness. Adapted from his diaries, the book celebrates his 38 year relationship with wife Joan Washington, including a devastating chronicle of their final year of marriage when she was ill with cancer, which she passed away from in September 2021. I give credit to Richard for being endearingly eccentric and heartbreakingly honest, and I thank all of you who commented on the story–the love and support you showed for Richard and each other was a balm to the soul. Richard is so genuine, I like to think he brings out the best in us. But he’s no fool, either. In another interview he’s given for the US release of the book, Richard tells USA Today more touching moments from his relationship, but also gets candid about the friends who showed up for them, and those who didn’t. A few highlights:
He was so devoted: He describes their relationship as a 38-year-long conversation, one that he continues even now that she’s gone through shared letters and diary entries that seek to honor her dying edict: that Grant tries to find a pocketful of happiness in every single day. The more you get to know Washington as seen through Grant’s eyes, the more excruciating her terminal illness becomes. He shares it all, including the oft-hidden ugly details of terminal decline. But what emerges is a portrait of marital devotion as he prepares his ailing wife’s meals, portions out her pills, helps her bathe and paints her nails.
The friendship pyramid: “I always thought of friendship being like a pyramid,” Grant says. “You’ve got your five beloved or your besties around the apex. And then you get further down, and you’ve got people that are more on the acquaintance level. And what’s extraordinary about terminal illness and then death and post-death is that during that time, people that maybe were further down that pyramid that you didn’t really think would come into close-up focus suddenly come through in a way that has been so hospitable, revelatory, loving. That has been astonishing.”
On the friends who disappeared during her illness: Also astonishing were the people who didn’t reach out. Grant writes of friends who’d been close enough to vacation with who kept their distance, some refusing to even acknowledge his wife’s illness. “Ninety-nine percent of the people that we know loved, held and supported us beyond all measure,” Grant says. “But the 1% who didn’t, I’ll never speak to again.”
The prince makes a house call: King Charles (who was then prince) was one of the friends who stepped up, paying Grant and Washington a house call as she neared the end. Grant writes of the future monarch showing up in a cream linen suit, carrying roses and a bag of mangoes, his wife’s favorite fruit. During the half-hour visit, he took Joan’s hand and said, ‘It’s been an absolute honor to have known you, Joan.’
“To which she quipped, ‘I’m still here!’ which made us all laugh,” Grant writes.
“But what emerges is a portrait of marital devotion as he prepares his ailing wife’s meals, portions out her pills, helps her bathe and paints her nails.” This just did me in, specifically because he continued to paint her nails. He made sure all of the basic needs were taken care of, and that’s a lot to be in charge of for yourself and someone who is ill. But he also did something completely frivolous for her own enjoyment. My father had a stroke this winter–it was mild, but mild was enough. Like Richard, my mother is taking care of, well, everything for him. Throughout his life he’s always preferred to be clean shaven. He can’t do that for himself now, but every time I visit I see an electric razor and bottle of cologne sitting on a table near him.
I bet there was a lot of anger there at some point, but I find Richard’s commentary on the friends who fell short to be matter-of-fact, and I mean that as a compliment. He’s just so clear about it now in a way that seems healthy. They showed who they really are and he let them go. While at the same time he heaps praise on the friends who actually came through. Elsewhere in the interview he mentions that Gabriel Byrne came to visit Joan and her hospital bed ended up being delivered at the same time. Gabriel stayed to help build it.
As for Charles, that was a hell of an anecdote. I’ll say this, it was a very lovely thing he did bringing flowers and her favorite fruit. Even if someone on his staff did the actual homework of finding out she liked mangoes, it still shows a thoughtfulness that reflects well on his character. It’s curious, then, to note when and for whom he makes this effort. But bravo to Joan for getting in the best last word to Chuck.
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